I recently watched a couple of documentaries on Netflix that were recommended to me. “Hot Girls Wanted” and “Love Me”.
I know most of my readers aren’t here for documentary reviews, but bare with me.
“Love Me” is a documentary about American men seeking love and Ukraine women seeking marriage and a life in America, both using an introduction service to meet. Kind of the ‘mail-order bride’ thing, but more in depth. They followed about a dozen guys through the process and frankly I found the whole thing fascinating. Also sad in some ways. Sad because it reminded me of how many lonely people there are in this world who want nothing more than companionship.
The American men were mostly ‘conventially’ unattractive. Heavy set or obese, awkward social skills, etc. but had at least a decent amount of money. The Ukrainian women tended to be very attractive physically but often spoke little or no English. Both parties had an interest in family, which was the commonality that brought them together.
I confess, it made me uncomfortable. The imbalance of physical attractiveness was often so acute. How in most cases nothing else seemed to matter to the men except looks, they didn’t seem to care about personality or compatibility…or even whether or not the woman was even interested in them. To be fair, the two couples who ended up getting married and living in the US seemed genuinely happy with each other. Down right adorable to be honest. I couldn’t help wondering what sex was like? Did the women genuinely enjoy sex with these guys? Some women don’t care what a guy looks like (I’ve had some fantastic sex with guys who were…well, NOT pretty…hell, I’ve been known to say that ugly guys try harder in bed) and some women feel better about themselves having sex with guys who aren’t as good looking. So I know looks tend to be less important to women than men…but we’re talking a pretty wide gap here in both looks & personality. They weren’t charasmatic, charming, but just average looking dudes.
The guy…I wonder if during sex he’s just thinking “Wahoo!” Or if he’s looking down past his giant, hairy gut & double chin at this super model who doesn’t speak English and thinks “if I hadn’t basically paid for this she would never have had sex with me”. Not in the prostitute-by-the-hour way, but in the living with each other and having children together kind of way. How would he ever know if their love was ‘real’? Maybe it doesn’t matter if both parties are getting what they want? Right now I wish Ceara Lynch was here to discuss this. Maybe we’ll get lucky & she’ll comment below with her perspective. I feel like this topic is more of a discussion peice than a monologue.
Moving right along, “Hot Girls Wanted” is a documentary about amateur girls, usually 18-22 getting into the porn business. I found a fair bit of this shocking but that’s what they were likely going for: the shock factor, especially with the violent niche stuff (facial abuse, etc.). Although I have an adult business I have been quite sheltered, living in Canada and within my niche of FemDom Fetish porn. I have basically zero personal experience in the mainstream porn world. I got into this business around the age of 30 and was never exploited. I didn’t do it because I needed money, although the money was nice. I didn’t do it to get famous, I never wanted to be a porn ‘star’. That seemed to be the main motivator for the girls in this documentary: money, to make it ‘big’ (they loved the attention/compliments/ego stroking) and often they wanted a way out of their small town.
What I struggle with here is that the girls are so young and naive, they are so easily taken advantage of, often encouraged to do things they aren’t comfortable with. The agents/producers seem to use them very hard, knowing that they’ll probably be in and out of the business in a year or less. But this is what the market demands. Men watching this type of mainstream porn seem to want an unending supply of young new faces and for them to be used hard, broken.
I don’t imply these are unwilling victims. These girls answer ads for this kind of work, they walk in with their eyes open. They are compensated fairly (it seems). It’s just unfortunate that so many of these girls are simply too young & inexperienced to really make an informed decision…and that YOUNG & INEXPERIENCED is what guys want so badly.
I have been in complete control of every sex scene I’ve done, with the exception of the 2 scenes I did for Kink.com’s Divine Bitches. Happily, I was attracted to and liked both of the male performers I had sex with in those scenes and everyone treated me with the upmost respect. I was given the option to use condoms and have sex in any way that I wanted. In a way, the all-female team made it feel like the male performers were there as much for my pleasure as I was there to help create a quality scene that would make them money. But the nature of the situation, meeting someone minutes before having sex with them left me reluctant to do scenes like that again…and I haven’t. I knew I got lucky there, that it wouldn’t always be like that with other producers. There was a risk of getting into uncomfortable situations working FOR other people and I just didn’t need to do it. Being in control of my own scenes and deciding who I had sex with was plenty profitable and better suited to my control-freak personality.
At The English Mansion it was always a collaboration. It is a true FemDom environment and all males were given to me to use as I pleased, or not, which is why I’ve filmed so much with them over the years. That is not how it is on many mainstream porn sets, so I’ve heard.
My hat off to the porn stars who have found a way to make doing porn in the mainstream work for them in the long term. I know there’s a big difference in how various companies film and it’s hard to tell as the viewer what’s good acting by a gal who’s actually into rough sex (and treated with respect off camera) versus a gal that’s been pressured into a painful, humiliating sex act because she needs the money or worse: the type of scene wasn’t actually clearly explained beforehand (in other words, if she was manipulated into a situation that would leave her traumatized).
I don’t know what advice to give you if you’re into that kind of porn? Maybe spend your money on established porn performers who seem to have their shit together? Ones who are most likely ‘acting’ and not actually doing something they don’t want to do? If anyone has tips for ethical porn consumption (for mainstream stuff) please comment below. I’d like to know.
Chances are most of you reading this are into the type of porn I produce, where women are in control. That’s good. I have surrounded myself with women who run their own businesses and call all the shots (Alexandra Snow, Ceara Lynch, Princess Meggerz, Lexi Sindel, Sidonia Von Bork, Nikki Whiplash etc.) None of whom are exploited. I’ve had the pleasure of meeting women who are doing other types of adult work but have not encountered the types of girls featured in the documentary “Hot Girls Wanted”. I guess there’s a lot I don’t know about the porn industry. If you want to be a little more informed, I recommend you watch it. Or not, If you’re easily upset by women being misused, cuz there’s enough of that in this documentary to make ya squirm.
Mistress T
https://twitter.com/MistressTdotnet
I always enjoy your posts, Mistress T. Your perspective is genuine, articulate, thought provoking.
Once more, Mistress, your reflections are spot-on. If I was one of these guys who marry East European girls in search of a better life, I would certainly have my doubts. After I split with my ex, several friends suggested that I try to find my other half in those websites, but my answer was exactly that: I would never be sure if they love me or they are grateful to me. For me, it is essential to know. If you can’t be sure about your partner, what’s the point of having a partner? But maybe I’m too picky…
Dear Mistress T
I hope You are well.
I read your article with much interest and was intrigued with the ‘love me’ section.
I just watched the trailer of ‘Love ME’ and from the preview I felt uncomfortable. Then I reread what you had wrote Mistress T and took the idea of ‘both parties are getting what they want’ further. Perhaps they are from a strange Father/Wife/Daughter complex, him providing for their needs, her with a more secure future in the ‘land of opportunity’.
Then looking at it from a more realistic and eventually fatalist view. The young Lady may see it as short term pain for long term gain i.e. a green card during which time she could educate herself and then when she is given a US passport – apply for a divorce and start a new life.
As for the husband he may deep down be a realist see the long term plan but who cares a few years of happiness in the knowledge that the Lady will eventually find a buff young man and leave (unless we go down the cuckold route?) beats another few years alone looking at endless reams of cyberspace porn.
Have a lovely day.
Kind regards
Carl
“Love Me”- I find it disturbing to asses relationships by “the imbalance of physical attractiveness.” Maybe “he’s looking down past that giant, hairy gut & double chin” and appreciating the fuck out of her and she’s fucking loving that
“Hot Girls Wanted”- seems to be the nature of the industry mainstream or not. Albeit, there is a role reversal in femdom, but I know at least one of the women you mentioned above profits from exploiting “YOUNG & INEXPERIENCED” guys with no compensation at all. You could call it “balancing the scales”, but I think it’s just justifying and perpetuating poor behavior.
Hi Kyle,
Regarding your first comment, I’m sure each story takes on it’s own unique…but my point (maybe I didn’t express it well?) was that money is what made it happen. A guy with no money could not pay the introduction service, pay to fly to Europe and pay all the expenses associated with bringing the woman to his country. These women are not looking to marry guys scraping by on a minimum wage job, they want financial security. So even if he is looking at her and he’s appreciating the fuck out of her and she’s fucking loving it, his money and her looks is what initially brought them together. Not that there’s anything necessarily wrong with that, I just wondered if that would be something that would bother a fella.
As for your other comment about exploiting young & inexperienced guys…I’m not sure who you are referring to but I can address that scenario from my perspective. I don’t compensate the vast majority of men in my vids (other than a few professional male performers). I have plenty of volunteers, guys who either get off on being filmed or guys who would pay for a private session if they could afford it, but since they can’t they permit me to film in lieu of payment. You’ll notice that most of my ‘stunt cocks’ don’t show their face. That’s more my choice than theirs. Most guys don’t really care. It wouldn’t impact their careers or personal lives the same way it impacts women, but I prefer to keep their face out of it so the viewer can focus on me and not be distracted by the dude making the funny cum faces. Lol
I would never call the guys in our style of vids exploited but perhaps you have an example that illustrates your point? All the guys I’ve worked with have been over-the-moon delighted to have the opportunity to film with me. The idea that I would pay them in addition to them having their fantasy come true seems absurd. I’m not sure it makes business sense to pay non-professional male performers when so many are happy to do it for free? I do most of my filming in Vancouver where there aren’t any professional male performers to pay like in LA…and it really wouldn’t make sense for me to pay their fees plus fly them to Canada. But that’s me…again, I don’t know who or what you are referring to?
Thank you for your comments though. I welcome the opportunity to converse like this with fans:-)
I guess, I agree with you in regards to the first film and I’m sure it would bother many guys. I just felt, in this situation, both parties motivations or potential insecurities would be equally questionable and was being needlessly argumentative I suppose. sorry:-P
As for the filming with guys for videos, I don’t 100% agree. I think the stigma and backlash a guy could could face for filming in the femdom genre is equal or even greater to women’s & I don’t think it makes good business sense to pay ANYone you don’t HAVE to. I think you show a lot of foresight in not permitting your clients to show their face, as that’s where my moral quandary came in.
I guess, in my experience, I just don’t think limits were clearly discussed. I did offer, and even tried to be “enthusiastic” about doing so, to be in film after my Domme repeatedly expressed interest in using me for just that. I had no real interest in filming, I just wanted to make her happy & maybe mistook the relationship for more of a personal nature than I should of. We never discussed it, camera was brought out mid-session, and a clip was released before I knew it.
I just expected us to have a conversation about it we never had. I doubt there was really any intent to “take advantage” but it did put me at risk with no reward outside of pleasing her. I just don’t know that it’s right to ask someone to take personal risk for a professional relationship.
Of course, now that I finally heard from her again yesterday, I’d do it all over in a heartbeat if she let me…
Thank you for the beautiful response. “That time I actually got to interact with Mistress T” is certainly a memory I’ll cherish forever. You’re one of the few Dommes that still turns me into a titillated little fanboy. Thank You!
I’ve enjoyed you post very much. I’ve purchased one of the documentaries you mention, “Love Me”, as i found your description very intriguing. I think I’m not a bad looking male, but I’m no model either. And i am also a very introvert, so going on dates is not easy for me. I’ve thus thought about such bride services. After all there are many eastern European women who are very intelligent and cultured, on top of beautiful. However, two things kept me thinking something along the same lines you mention. Marrying someone is definitely not just about looks. Marriage is forever, at least in my mind, so an emotional and intellectual connection is a basic requirement. Spending a life with someone with whom i don’t feel such connections is not appealing to me at all. And I also cannot be intimate with a woman with whom i do not feel some attachment. And this brings me to the second issue. Indeed, i do not think having sex with a strange beautiful woman, no matter how stunning she may be, would be very comfortable. I always had an emotional connection with the few women I’ve had sex with. Otherwise I’m not really into it because i do not feel aroused. It’s difficult to imagine how a woman who marries under such circumstances could feel: having to spend her whole life with someone she’d rather not be with, someone she’s not attracted to. And then there’s the sexual dimension of the relationship. At some point, having sex with someone you do not find attractive must be torture.
My own conclusion is that, like it or not, there is no alternative but to actually develop the skills and guts to look for a person with whom you feel connected and to whom you’re attracted to and date them. I can be awkward, and there will be difficult moments, but hitting jackpot is going to be well worth it.
There are indeed a lot of lonely people out there (I’m currently one of them) and this documentary shows just how lonely this world can be for some.
With regards to watching porn, i prefer the kind of porn that has women in control. Sure i watch other kinds of porn. But I’ve never enjoyed a video where the woman is not having a good time as well. And i feel you can easily tell one from the other. There are some videos where you can see true fear and/or deep humiliation that the model is feeling. I see it in the the looks they give or the reluctance they show to do the things they’re asked to do. Those really turn me off. I’ve watched some other videos where the woman looked like she was enjoying being dominated or maybe even humiliated. I’m obviously talking about make believe or fantasies. And to me that shows how women and men are alike: just like men, some women like to be dominated. I had a girlfriend who dominated me a couple of times, but she was not really into that. I, however, enjoyed it immensely. That said, with regards to “ethical” porn consumption I’ll say that if i perceive the woman is not having a good time, it does not turn me on and I won’t spend my money on it.
I also do not enjoy so much new faces. I have my favorite porn models that I’ve followed through the years. They have obviously aged, but i personally like that since i feel they are more beautiful and sensual now than they were before. I find their experience very sexy. And i can see it in the way they talk, act and feel comfortable in the scenes. Young girls instead have that deer caught in the headlights look in their faces, which turns me off. Other just seem plain crazy, which can be scary.
I really like the kind of erotic videos you make. I love your voice, your command of the situation, the fact that you are in charge and whatever happens is what you decide. Everything in your videos contributes to make an intensely erotic experience. It’s not just the fact that you’re naked (you’re not on some of them) that makes your videos intensely erotic. I love to hear your voice and your words, to see the scenario that you’ve created for the performance and watch your demeanor. I enjoy a lot to see, feel and hear you dominate, control the scene. That is what i find erotic.
Thanks for the recommendations. I’ll add them to my to watch list. Live Nude Girls is actually already on the list so it now moves up to the top.
I think about my own life and the lives of the men I know/have known and can see how the ways that many of us are taught to perform masculinity makes forming and maintaining loving relationships difficult if not impossible. Loving and being loved requires us to become vulnerable and vulnerability is considered weakness.
Any way, this may or may not end up having anything to do with the men in the films you mention. 🙂
Best,
Tim
Thanks for the info. I will definitely be watching these. In all my perverted mindless internet surfing, I have finally discovered that there is a ton of interesting pycho analysis and self discovering when one opens the mind to uninhibited sexual expression and discovery.
This was a favourite blog, thanks for writing about those flics, I plan to check them out. In the process, your thought process is opening my mind. I always knew you kept an open mind, but you truly do in new ways. To have the depth of understanding that you have, you could do many things to help the world. Perhaps as a friend to a few in need, or as a councillor. You could make a huge difference. Love you as always. Jay
Hi MistressT,
I watched ‘Love Me’ this evening, ironically on family day, and really enjoyed this perspective on the international match making service. I agree its a bit sad, these guys are being sold on a faint hope, that the match making owner’s example shows that it could happen again for anyone. That sounds to me like many other business opportunities where you prey on other’s emotions. Call me cynical, but he’s got a great business going there, with an honest persona to sell his services (making $10k in advance on messages and translation alone), and many men needing assistance to meet willing women, and the women needing security and stability in their life in a region where women out number men. The women seem very traditional, some with family values and simply seeking a family and security, and others being a bit too opportunistic to be taken seriously. On the plus side, there seems to be conditions for a few relationships to work out. There’s also a lot of potential and risk of spending a lot of money and meeting women who really have no interest for a kiss on the lips. Fair to say that communication barriers are a problem, but I’ve seen many times that language isn’t a barrier to love when both sides are genuine. The other questions on my mind are, what happens if the women come to the US and marry, and eventually get their citizenship. Do they bring their family over? Do they stay in the marriage? This is where the opportunity for the women really lies, if they don’t feel the emotional connection with the guy. Anyhow, it seemed like a fairly unbiased documentary, and thanks for sharing! The one guy who played video games was especially delusional, in a sad way, but you wonder how many guys fall for those model photos on a website, where you click ‘girls’, and pick who you want to connect with assuming that’s really them replying? Take care,
Jay