My Porn Can Be Theraputic – Part 2

If you scroll down you’ll see the first part of this from Nov. 18, 2011. This is the follow up, after showing the vid I created to his therapist. Interesting indeed:

Mistress T,

My therapist watched the video you made at my request.

His first comment was about you: “She’s quite a find,” or maybe it was “She’s quite something.”

He was extremely impressed by your role-play/acting talent. He found you very focused, very authentic in your performance, believable, and was impressed by how you never deviated or slipped up/out of character for a second. I had told him you were one in a million in your acting, professionalism, intelligence, class, and that your videos were very professionally produced, but it didn’t prepare him. With so many women who are low-rent, cheap, low-class, lacking in grace, intelligence, refinement, and classic, real (not modified, enhanced, or buried in Wal-Mart cosmetics) beauty to be found on-line selling low-rent, cheap, inept, amateur-in-the-negative-sense sex-themed services of poor quality, you are the proverbial diamond. And I’ve wasted enough money on the others to know this.

He made a simple comment about your attractiveness–obliquely via saying something akin to “I can see why you find her so attractive.” Your beauty is the easy part–what you were born with. What truly blew him away most was your talent and professionalism–your performance and the production quality. He thinks you’re a great actress (so do I and many of your fans).

Relating to my issues, the video did help him better understand what I’d gone through, he said. The “performance” aspect definitely fleshed out the experience for him, as I’d hoped. My attempts to tell the story of the incidents (particularly that one that’s the basis for the video) often left a lot of stuff out, particularly how my mind had extrapolated from the facts of the real events to develop the fantasy elements. I guess I’d found it hard-nee-embarrassing to describe the fantasy parts that I’ve developed over the years to him, so the video revealed things to him that I hadn’t spelled out previously due to my holding back. In this way, the video was a safer way to open up about the feelings and thoughts I’ve carried inside me for decades.

Those less-familiar-, or less-explained, to-him fantasy aspects brought new material for us to work on. The therapy process has been re-invigorated with this material after years of stagnation, as those fantasy aspects opened up much discussion and brought out material that we can now work on.

The process of articulating the fantasy material to you in concrete form in the outline and suggestions I gave you to make the video was very helpful, we both agreed. I’d never really put words to paper about those things. So, just based on how writing the material down made me think intently and with the purpose of needing to be very clear about the issues and events to explain them to you, he thinks it was a good idea even just to request the video.

But he also thinks that having the video actually made of you performing the scene offers the ability for me to reflect on the real events again and again as needed via objectifying the events and issues in an external form, i.e., not just inside my head, is a good thing. It helps get “it out of my head,” not just the once, but repeatedly. Above all, though, from his perspective, having him see my real experiences (and fantasies drawn from them) acted-out allows for better therapeutic use of the material; it has been and will be very beneficial. In a way, I could see–this is not something I mentioned to him so he’s not endorsing the idea– the process of having a video made that replays trauma and addresses fantasies derived from the abuse could be helpful for victims of abuse; it’s a very “safe” way to revisit the events and thoughts.

Two very important things came out of his viewing the video:

1. It better revealed the element of my sexual feelings for my mother in the fantasies. I had been told years ago by another therapist that my mother kind of sexualized our relationship–though there was physical contact that I recall–in a form of “covert sexual abuse.” But those sexual feelings hadn’t really been addressed much in my therapy, as much as it is standard psychology theory to do so.¬† Covert abuse is hard to pin down; it is more abstract and mysterious because it is shrouded and a kind of–my words–”mind-fucking.” It also is harder to deal with in therapy due to the lack of concrete specificity, i.e. clearly identifiable incidents in space and time. The video puts some of that abstract, ethereal, less-specifically-identifiable-in-individual-incident form covert abuse in concrete form.

2. The other thing he saw in it, that I agree with but had not recognized myself, is that part of my fantasy aspects offered the possibility that all hope was not lost me, that I was not–within the fantasy itself–necessarily absolutely worthless and inadequate. I’m being deliberately vague here about the details for privacy. Psychologically the fantasy involves a way for me to prove myself to be good enough, not inadequate, as underplayed and indirect as it is in my fantasies. It’s there as a secondary-theme or sub-plot, bit I hadn’t seen it before–nor had he until you acted it out. Other sexual fantasies of mine which revolve around some of these issues but not addressing my mother, involve this theme, but I hadn’t recognized that aspect of my mother-related issues and related fantasies. He saw it and thus was able to connect different threads of my fantasies, projections, in securities, etc. together for the first time.

So he thinks it is beneficial for me to have had you make this for me, and that you were an extraordinarily good choice to play the mother. I completely agree.

“A fan for life and extremely satisfied customer”

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